Im in heaven when shes present. And suffer from withdrawal when she is gone. Before i stumble upon her, i was stable, happy, and normal. But when i discovered her, she intoxicated me with beautiful words and beautiful feelings. She entered my body, and now every inch feels like it needs her to feel normal. Now that shes gone i feel like a drug addict that does not have the money to buy crack. Sometimes i feel like im in rehab, and the moment im out, i stumble upon small amounts of her. then when she is gone. I suffer intense withdrawal symptoms. Even when i tell myself to only have a little… i want so much more. One’s love for her is an addiction. No matter how clean or how far away you stay. It never really goes away.
That is why we dont stock everything in tommorrow. It is never promised. Even if promised, promised are not always saw through. You can think and think back to yesterday, but it will never change. Live in the moment and you find the pain being flushed out of your heart.
I told myself “a year from now, i wont hurt. A year from now, i wont even care about what’s her name? a year from now she’ll be crawling back to me. a year from now this a year from now that.” it’s been a year. the above was such an empty promise. with time its all better cause time heals whatever? that’s true. but time doesnt take away feelings. and if the wound keeps getting punctured and healed then punctured and healed, then punctured again. on and on. has any real progress been made?
A Story
The fact that he might love her forever scared the life out of him. He could hate her, and he always had the same desire to talk to her as he did when they were different people. He tries to lie to himself that he doesnt feel the same way, but he does. Hes terrified he always will. That she will always be the missing piece. Though the pain is refined the loves the same. And he thinks about the same girl everyday. Helplessly in love. And has never before he met her felt so painfully lonely. Never felt so painfully disssapointed. But the few times he gets to speak with her, never felt so happy and content.
Maybe thats the problem. She makes him feel content. Maybe God is trying to help him reach his goals. Maybe she is a huge distraction? Would he be were he was now if she had the same desire to talk to him? Would he have that same burning desire to be special? To work and become the best? Probably not. Who knows if they kept going if it would be him to blow her off? No one. It just happens this way. He has ambition, but no confidence. Always looking for someone to replace her. And not in a relationship manner per say. Just for someone to be there in his darkest hours.
Irony. It is ironic how the person who caused him so much joy, had the power to draw out so much pain.When she told him about how her and her ex broke up, and how she was sad, and how he was special and how they hand been together for five months, he couldnt help but think about how low he was a year ago. How painful it was to smile, how he would laugh extra hard at something funny because laughter seemed like the only temporary relief of the pain. He couldnt help but ask “wasnt i special to you?” he couldnt help but wonder why she wasnt able to connect what happened to her to how she had made him feel from a year ago. Not a year ago. FROM. Constant pain. Constant false hope. Hope that one day she will feel how she felt about him back in the day.
When he tried to comfort her, he gave her some of the advice he had given himself. Dont think about him. She said she tried. And he himself knows for a fact that doesnt work. People who are special to you can not be simply erased from your mind.He couldnt bring himself to tell her that he would want her back, because in reality, she showed no signs of interest in him. So he just told her that one day she would wake up, and not be sad again, then on to the next one. That was a half lie. He thinks about how in love with her he was. But in reality he knows that they were just two close friends that drifted apart.
take a deep breath, face the day and get shit on.
so up and down. this hurts so bad. i dont know what to do about anything. i feel like im in a box. but i know im not actually in one.
